Do you find yourself in the same types of relationships and dealing with the same or similar problems, no matter who you are dating? During conflict, do you notice that one of you leans in and the other leans out? Do you and your partner have trouble understanding each other’s behaviors and needs during moments of high emotion or intimacy?

Attachment style in relationships

Although many factors contribute to the dynamics of a romantic relationship, one’s attachment style has a significant impact. An attachment style refers to the patterns of behavior an individual will likely exhibit within their relationships based on the bond and level of security they experienced with their caregiver(s) during early childhood. These patterns reflect intimacy needs, trust levels, and an overall mindset within a romantic relationship. 

There are three main attachment styles:

• Anxious attachment- A person with this attachment style is generally afraid of abandonment and consistently needs intimacy and to feel connected with their partner to feel secure

• Avoidant attachment- A person with this attachment style is generally afraid of intimacy and consistently pulls away to protect their autonomy 

• Secure attachment- A person with this attachment style is comfortable with intimacy and generally trusting of romantic partners

Do opposites really attract?

Ironically enough, anxiously attached individuals and avoidantly attached individuals tend to end up together. This is primarily due to the familiar dynamic created by confirming each partner’s beliefs and attitudes toward love and relationships. In these types of relationships, the avoidant partner is reaffirmed that their independence should always be protected, and the anxious partner is reaffirmed that no one will ever reciprocate the intensity of their love and desire for connectedness.  

What do Anxious/Avoidant relationships look like?

Being in a relationship with opposing attachment styles can feel exhausting and frustrating due to the required communication and work needed to meet their partner’s varying needs. These relationships often lack the consistency and safety of a secure connection, naturally resulting in higher levels of conflict and emotional turbulence. It can feel like you’re trapped in a push-pull cycle with your partner. Additionally, it is common for couples with opposing attachment styles to highlight each other’s insecurities and struggle to meet each other’s needs. 

Some common issues within avoidant/anxious couples:

• High highs and low lows

• Security in a relationship is usually what determines stability and consistency. Hence, the relationship may feel inconsistent due to each partner having low levels of security within the relationship. 

• Lower relationship satisfaction

• Since anxious and avoidant partners have differing needs within a relationship, oftentimes both partners end up compromising more than what is comfortable for them. This may end up in resentment or dissatisfaction over time. 

• Frequent arguments over minor disagreements

• Oftentimes there are deeper issues underneath the conflict at hand, usually related to the opposing attachment styles. Arguments may break out more frequently because partners are easily triggered by one another.

• Difficulty resolving conflict

• It can be challenging to reach solutions or to fully resolve issues within the relationship because each partner handles conflict differently. Because conflict is so uncomfortable for both anxious and avoidants, arguments are more focused on trying to get through the tension rather than solving the actual problem at hand. 

• Feeling like you’re stuck in a cycle

• Over time, anxious and avoidant couples may become desensitized to the way conflict is handled. The “push-pull” nature of the relationship becomes normalized, making it harder for either partner to recognize the issues enough to break the cycle. 

Can Anxious/Avoidant couples have secure relationships?

So, if anxious and avoidant partners have opposite needs for intimacy, how can they form a healthy relationship and meet each other’s needs? Here are a few tips. 

• Identify your triggers. Pay attention to the patterns within your relationship that set off intense emotions for you and question where these emotions might stem from. Are you assigning value or meaning to a neutral behavior from your partner? Are you worried that you feel too suffocated or too distant from your partner? What moments in the relationship make you feel the most reactive? 

• Understand how your body responds to triggers.The way your body responds to different situations can be indicative of your limits and triggers, bringing awareness to your body and how it feels when feeling intense emotions can further give clues to your triggers. Do your hands sweat when conflict arises? Do your shoulders tense up when your partner brings up a certain topic to discuss  with you? 

• Recognize how these triggers show up in the relationship. Activating and deactivating strategies are ways that insecurely attached individuals behave to attain their intimacy needs. Anxiously attached individuals use activating strategies to achieve closeness with their partner. (ie. Picking fights, threatening to leave, making your partner jealous, acting out, etc.) Avoidantly attached individuals use deactivating strategies to create distance in the relationship (i.e., leaving the room during conflict, acting hostile, emotionally withdrawing, etc.) What strategies do you utilize during times of conflict?

• Visualize yourself feeling secure in the relationship. To visualize yourself in a secure relationship, try identifying a role model in your life or a relationship you have observed that demonstrates high levels of security, trust, and comfort with intimacy. Imagine the choices they would make and the ways they would react to different situations and resolve conflict. When you think about your relationship triggers, how would a secure role model behave in those situations?

• Reflect on past relationships. Attachment styles persist throughout romantic relationships, and sometimes it can be hard to identify behaviors or patterns related to attachment until after the relationship has ended. After learning about attachment styles and understanding which attachment behaviors  describe you best, reflecting on previous relationship dynamics can help you understand how your attachment style patterns were exhibited with previous romantic partners. What patterns have you picked up on? Reflecting on past relationship dynamics can also help you predict future behaviors and shift unhelpful behaviors or thoughts that may be contributing to an insecure attachment. 

• Be patient with yourself and your partner. Remember that working towards relationship security is an ongoing process. With enough self reflection, accountability, and openness in relationships, attachment styles can shift over time. Start by changing small-scale behaviors, such as explaining to your partner that your feelings are hurt instead of walking out of the room or saying something to hurt them back. If you or your partner fall back into old patterns, be kind and understanding with yourself. Recognize the behavior, understand the trigger underneath it, and work to change it in the future. 

• Accept your partner’s attachment style and the limitations that come with it. The reality is that your partner is different from you and that you cannot change them. The first step towards secure attachment is accepting and honoring your partner’s unique emotional needs. It is important to note that you don’t have to fully understand your partner’s needs to respect and meet them. Once you can release the urge to change certain behaviors or tendencies in your partner, you will have more energy to focus on your journey towards a secure and healthy relationship. 

If this blog post resonates with you and you feel that you and your partner could benefit from some support with your differing attachment styles, sign up for a free 15 minute consultation with one of our couples therapists at Garden Counseling and Wellness Group here.