When You Forgive Everyone But Yourself
How to Foster Self-Compassion and Forgive Yourself
What is forgiveness?
What does it really mean to forgive someone? There are several errored ways of framing forgiveness that can influence us to misuse it, whether that means withholding forgiveness or excessively giving it out. Listed below are some examples of misconceptions about forgiveness.
Forgiveness means you no longer hold that person accountable for what they did
Forgiveness means putting aside your true feelings for the comfort of others
Forgiveness must happen either all at once or not at all
Forgiveness can only apply to other people and not to yourself
Forgiveness, framed in a more comprehensive and practical way, is acknowledging accountability for the infliction of pain while also holding space for the harm done. You can forgive someone and still acknowledge the hurt you feel. You can forgive someone and still set boundaries and expectations for them. You can forgive someone at your own pace and take your time processing your emotions.
What does self-forgiveness look like?
When people talk about forgiveness, it’s usually geared towards forgiving others; an ex partner or friend, a family member who wronged you, a bully, a dog who chewed up your shoe, etc. Forgiveness towards oneself is not as commonly discussed.
Forgiving yourself is largely based around holding compassion and patience for yourself while also realizing where you have made mistakes and how you can learn or improve in the future. It is important to take accountability, and it is equally important to work through those feelings of shame and guilt following a mistake. Ruminating on the issue at hand or tormenting yourself with replays of the situation and continuously wishing to go back in time to change your decision, can leave you feeling stuck and ashamed long after the situation has passed.
Forgiveness within yourself can happen when you exude love towards yourself in the same way you would love a friend or a family member who made a mistake. It could be effective to ask yourself, “What would I tell a close friend if they had done the same thing? If you are using harsh language with yourself or choosing to punish yourself in some form, try asking yourself if you would speak to a loved one that way or want them to punish themselves in those ways.
Is self-forgiveness a choice?
You may feel like a failure for sleeping through your alarm and showing up late to work..again.
You may be kicking yourself after the ending of a relationship, replaying the breakup in your head in an effort to figure out what you could have said or done to keep them in your life.
You may have missed the penalty kick at your soccer game, causing your team to lose the championship game.
No matter what the situation may be, forgiveness towards oneself can feel far-fetched or out of the question due to the intensity of shame and resentment you may feel following these kinds of mistakes.
A big part of self-forgiveness is being able to let go of self-loathing. Since this is a feeling that is difficult to control, it can be hard to make a decision to forgive yourself. If you perpetually self-loathe, this can create conflicting feelings; part of you may feel self-hatred and anger, and another part of you may long to rebuild a compassionate, loving relationship with yourself. Choosing to work toward forgiveness is a conscious decision, and if you are seeking an avenue for self love and healing, finding forgiveness within yourself for past mistakes or wrongdoings is a great place to start.
Below are some actionable and conscious steps you can take towards self forgiveness.
Acknowledge the mistake you have made.
Let yourself feel any emotions that come up for you.
Challenge any negative, destructive, or unhelpful thoughts you may feel towards yourself.
Think of ways you can show up better next time
Journal about the experience and how you’ve grown from it.
Hold compassion, patience, and understanding for yourself as you navigate the process of reframing a challenging experience as a learning curve.
Why is forgiving yourself important?
-Forgiving yourself is a pertinent step towards personal growth.-
How can you correct a mistake you have made if you can’t stop ruminating on it?
How can you change your behavior moving forward if you have no patience or faith in yourself?
After sleeping through your alarms and showing up late to work, maybe you find space to hold compassion for yourself, reminding yourself that you’re only human.
After a break up, it can be helpful to reflect on the relationship and the behaviors you exhibited throughout the relationship that you want to change or improve upon. But first, maybe you allow yourself time and space to feel and process the hurt and pain that comes with a breakup.
After missing the game-winning goal, maybe you turn to your teammates for emotional support. Or maybe you imagine how you would treat a teammate who made that same mistake, and then shift that energy inwards.
Self forgiveness often requires you to work through tough emotions such as shame, guilt and embarrassment. In moments that self forgiveness is needed, it is important to recognize that these hard feelings, when processed in a healthy way, can be used to initiate change and self-growth. Remember to give yourself grace, and let moments like these fill your cup with energy geared towards becoming the best version of yourself.
NEXT STEPS
If this blog post resonates with you, and you feel you need some extra support with forgiving yourself, feel free to reach out to us here to schedule an appointment with one of our providers.